More Best Girlfriend...

Okay, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted by WORK?

(You should read the previous entry now if you want to know what the heck I'm talking about!!!)

Oh yes...now I remember. My BEST GIRLFRIEND who was so totally in love with JERRY (Omigod! He's so wonderful, sexy, rich, handsome, sensitive, etc. etc.), abruptly stops raving about how wonderful he is after coming back from a quick business trip to the Middle East (not making any of this up!)...

Now the key thing for you to know is that JERRY, my BEST GIRLFRIEND's paramour stayed home while she went off on her business trip. Very important!

Anyhow, she stops raving about this JERRY, Mr. Oh So *@#$!% Wonderful after weeks of hearing nothing but JERRY this and JERRY that.

So, one day, we're having a smoke outside the office and I pop the question: 'hey, whatever happened with JERRY? You guys still going on holiday to Europe?'

Utter silence. BEST GIRLFRIEND's face can only be described as pale and wan, blood drains away. No answer. Then she whispers in my ear 'I'll tell you sometime. But I can't talk about it right now. I dumped him. By text message while I was in Israel.' My mouth drops open with honest shock. Then she stubs out her cigarette and says 'gotta go to a meeting. Let's have a drink later and I'll tell you all about it.'

Well, after that my day was a blur. All I could think about was JERRY and what prompted BEST GIRLFRIEND to suddenly dumped THE MOST WONDERFUL, HANDSOME, WEALTHY, SEXY GUY IN THE WHOLE *@#$!% WORLD...BAR NONE.

Being a guy and a heterosexual, the first thing that popped into my head was 'he's gay.' I remember her showing me this photo, I mean, he did look a little TOO neat and clean. He is really well groomed. As every heterosexual male instinctively knows: 'well-groomed' means 'gay.' Real Men are meant to be filthy, sports watching, beer-swilling and burping, farting slobs right? (Hey, I'm not a homophobe or gay-basher or anything...just letting you know the 20 second thought process of the average heterosexual male in these types of circumstances).

Time rolls on. All sorts of thoughts are cascading like tiny drops of water across a window during a gentle Northwest shower. (Pretty poetic eh?) Is JERRY a cannibal? Is JERRY a criminal mastermind? Is JERRY a pervert? Is JERRY gay?

I'm watching the clock, waiting for BEST GIRLFRIEND's BIG revelation. Finally, the day ends and we're in the waterhole (pub or bar). BEST GIRLFRIEND continues her vague evasive behaviour when confronted with my badgering line of questioning about JERRY.

Finally, beaten, she reveals all.

"JERRY was a pervert."

"How so?" I ask. Thinking 'come on, what's his perversion? I have to know all the lurid details.'

"Well, it's kinda weird" says BEST GIRLFRIEND "and kind of funny in a way. I'm not sure I should tell you." Meaning, because I'm a guy and a relentless tease and I'm liable to never let it rest.

I lay my hand reassuring on hers, my face a mask of concern and understanding "you can tell me anything, you know that."

For a few brief moments she hestitates.

Then blurts it out all at once "he was a nipple freak."

Briefly, my eyes drop down to her pert, full bosoms, I turn red and look away. She looks embarrassed too.

"NOT MINE. HIS!!!"

With a perplexed look on my face, I ask "what do you mean?"

"Well, whenever we kissed, I kept feeling his hand move up and...y'know...play with his nipples."

Omigoodgollygosh!!!

"You're joking!" I exclaim.

BEST GIRLFRIEND: "I wish I was. He was ALWAYS playing with his own nipples. While we lay in bed. When we'd kiss. In the movies. While he was driving. Like all the time. At first, I was sorta okay with it. It was kinda cute and sexy. But...all the time?!!!"

I looked at her face, waiting for the punchline. She wasn't joking.

Eyes drop down again, unstated question. "No. Never. He never played with mine...if that's what your thinking." I was.

So, BEST GIRLFRIEND's dream man loves his own nipples more than hers. Relationship ended. JERRY dumped by text message. End of story.

What does all of this have to do with the price of oil in Iraq? Absolutely nothing. It is just an insight into the world of modern relationships I guess.

Or not.

(As I write this, I'm gently caressing my right nipple............just kidding)

Epilogue: as it turns out. BEST GIRLFRIEND has a new MR WONDERFUL. She didn't even wait for JERRY's nipples to cool before she jumped on ANDY.

She met him while she was away on the business trip in Middle East. Coincedence? Were JERRY's nipples just a scapegoat for her wandering eye. You decide.