A Fashionable Tale of Woe

Okay, maybe someone out there can help me out. I have this very dear friend, let's call her JANE, who is in a quandry about her life.

She went to a very good fashion college (Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising, L.A.) and for about 10 years worked in the fashion industry. Big names like Eddie Bauer, L.L. Bean, Levis, etc. She had all the big fashion shows and she even designed her own line of children's clothes.

She had it all, money, the admiration of others, a convertable, a condo in L.A., you know...the LIFESTYLE.

Then she meets this devastatingly handsome man who sweeps her off her feet. But, he is one of those manic creative types. You know the kind, wildly creative but also wildly unstable. Still, she's having fun. He's exciting, he's spontaneous, he's in touch with his emotions, he's a gentle but powerful lover, he's also mad as a hatter.

Up to this point, JANE had her life pretty well organised. I mean she was settled into her lifestyle. It was safe, but there weren't many surprises (which is a good thing...isn't it?) So anyway, this guy, let's call him MR SPONTANEOUS, he's the type that comes into your life like an atom bomb. An energy burst big enough to create a new solar system. She can't believe how quickly this guy has changed her whole perpective. Soon he's whisking her here and whisking her there. All sorts of fun and excitement. They make love like rabbits (or like fervent badgers). It's all so new and exciting! She loves it all.

Then boom! She's pregnant and her whole world's in a tailspin. The comfortable, safe, insular world she's created for herself shatters into a million pieces.

The fashion world fades from view as looming responsibility clouds her vision. Of course, she keeps the baby, she falls in love with her little girl even before she's born. To MR SPONTANEOUS's credit, he doesn't drop her like a burning coal when he hears she's pregnant, instead, he steadfastly maintains his commitment to her. She's dubious of course, but she has no choice. She has to believe him. He promises to marry her very soon, he just has to 'sort out some things first.' She winces.

For awhile JANE is able to walk the fine line between work and her responsibilties to her newborn baby. It's hard, really hard, but she makes the best of it.

The worst part is leaving her little girl with the nanny. Every day, she has to endure the crying when she leaves her with NANNY. It breaks her heart when her little baby girl reaches out for her plaintively, almost begging her not to leave her with this strange woman.

Then one day, BABY GIRL doesn't cry when JANE leaves her with the nanny, this time she cries when mommy picks her up. She doesn't want to go with mommy, she wants to stay with NANNY. JANE's devastated. That night she sobs quietly into her pillow. Wondering whether she'll ever be a good mother. Something has got to change.

Meanwhile, MR SPONTANEOUS gets the idea that they should leave L.A. and move to Seattle. "L.A. stinks, it's full of fruits and nuts!" Peals of laughter at his own stupid (and old) joke. "Don't you have some friends up there? Maybe we could stay with them until we get settled. What do you think?"

She thinks 'great, let's pull up stakes and move 1200 miles away from everything, my job, my family, my friends, what a great idea. Have I entered the 7th Circle of Hell?'

But she smiles wanly and says to MR SPONTANEOUS "Oh okay...I'll call HATTIE and ask her if she wants 3 unwanted guests to sleep on the floor of her one bedroomed house for an as yet undisclosed amount of time. I'm sure her husband and her two small children won't mind."

She doesn't actually say that, but you get the idea.

Now her world is really topsy turvy. There's no fashion scene in Seattle, just beatniks, techno-microsoftie-geeks, pottery students, and Starbucks. Still, she loves MR SPONTANEOUS, and despite his emotional instability and tendency to burble when he speaks, he truly loves her. She decides to follow him to the land of Microserfs, coffee beans, Boeing and mildewy mold.

When they arrive, they have no jobs. MR SPONTANEOUS was earning barely above minimum wage as a graphic designer in L.A., and it was JANE who had the hefty salary. JANE explains to MR SPONTANEOUS that she really thinks BABY GIRL needs to stay with a parent for awhile. All this moving and instability is bad for her developing psyche. BABY GIRL needs stability in her life, she needs mommy or daddy at home taking care of her rather than another nanny.

JANE and MR SPONTANEOUS make a deal. Whomever gets a job first will work full-time and the other parent will stay home with BABY GIRL. "Just until we get settled of course" says JANE convincingly. MR SPONTANEOUS being the dunce that he is, a lovable dunce, like Joey on friends, doesn't realise what's happening emotionally with JANE. She wants to stay home, she doesn't want a repeat performance of what happened in L.A. She wants stay home and take care of BABY GIRL. She wants to be a good mother.

So JANE doesn't try that hard to get a job. MR SPONTANEOUS gets another entry level position at an ad agency. They move into a mobile home on Bainbridge Island that is for rent at $200 a month (it's a hell hole!)

Time moves rapidly forward....10 years go by.

MR SPONTANEOUS makes good. BABY GIRL has a BABY BROTHER and a new BABY SISTER. In fact BABY GIRL isn't really a baby anymore, she's a YOUNG GIRL. Things are really good. MR SPONTANEOUS owns his own design studio and they are doing well financially. They own their own home. They have a nice mini-van like all their upper middle-class neighbours.

JANE still doesn't work full-time or even part-time. She's a stay at home mom. She loves it. She's intimately involved with her kids lives. They are better for it. They are emotionally stable, well grounded kids. MR SPONTANEOUS and JANE are still really in love and he did actually end up marrying her after all. He's still wildly creative, but less wildly unstable. Things are going pretty good. She really doesn't miss her old life. She makes clothes for her husband and her kids. But that's about it for her and the fashion world. Things stay like this for a long time, over 13 years. MR SPONTANEOUS wins awards for his creative productions, his business grows. He starts to get noticed by the wider world. Next thing you know, he's travelling all over the world for business and sometimes even takes JANE and the kids with him.

Everything is coming up roses for JANE. Life is good.

Then her whole world comes crashing down....

(More later...I have to get back to work)

More Best Girlfriend...

Okay, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted by WORK?

(You should read the previous entry now if you want to know what the heck I'm talking about!!!)

Oh yes...now I remember. My BEST GIRLFRIEND who was so totally in love with JERRY (Omigod! He's so wonderful, sexy, rich, handsome, sensitive, etc. etc.), abruptly stops raving about how wonderful he is after coming back from a quick business trip to the Middle East (not making any of this up!)...

Now the key thing for you to know is that JERRY, my BEST GIRLFRIEND's paramour stayed home while she went off on her business trip. Very important!

Anyhow, she stops raving about this JERRY, Mr. Oh So *@#$!% Wonderful after weeks of hearing nothing but JERRY this and JERRY that.

So, one day, we're having a smoke outside the office and I pop the question: 'hey, whatever happened with JERRY? You guys still going on holiday to Europe?'

Utter silence. BEST GIRLFRIEND's face can only be described as pale and wan, blood drains away. No answer. Then she whispers in my ear 'I'll tell you sometime. But I can't talk about it right now. I dumped him. By text message while I was in Israel.' My mouth drops open with honest shock. Then she stubs out her cigarette and says 'gotta go to a meeting. Let's have a drink later and I'll tell you all about it.'

Well, after that my day was a blur. All I could think about was JERRY and what prompted BEST GIRLFRIEND to suddenly dumped THE MOST WONDERFUL, HANDSOME, WEALTHY, SEXY GUY IN THE WHOLE *@#$!% WORLD...BAR NONE.

Being a guy and a heterosexual, the first thing that popped into my head was 'he's gay.' I remember her showing me this photo, I mean, he did look a little TOO neat and clean. He is really well groomed. As every heterosexual male instinctively knows: 'well-groomed' means 'gay.' Real Men are meant to be filthy, sports watching, beer-swilling and burping, farting slobs right? (Hey, I'm not a homophobe or gay-basher or anything...just letting you know the 20 second thought process of the average heterosexual male in these types of circumstances).

Time rolls on. All sorts of thoughts are cascading like tiny drops of water across a window during a gentle Northwest shower. (Pretty poetic eh?) Is JERRY a cannibal? Is JERRY a criminal mastermind? Is JERRY a pervert? Is JERRY gay?

I'm watching the clock, waiting for BEST GIRLFRIEND's BIG revelation. Finally, the day ends and we're in the waterhole (pub or bar). BEST GIRLFRIEND continues her vague evasive behaviour when confronted with my badgering line of questioning about JERRY.

Finally, beaten, she reveals all.

"JERRY was a pervert."

"How so?" I ask. Thinking 'come on, what's his perversion? I have to know all the lurid details.'

"Well, it's kinda weird" says BEST GIRLFRIEND "and kind of funny in a way. I'm not sure I should tell you." Meaning, because I'm a guy and a relentless tease and I'm liable to never let it rest.

I lay my hand reassuring on hers, my face a mask of concern and understanding "you can tell me anything, you know that."

For a few brief moments she hestitates.

Then blurts it out all at once "he was a nipple freak."

Briefly, my eyes drop down to her pert, full bosoms, I turn red and look away. She looks embarrassed too.

"NOT MINE. HIS!!!"

With a perplexed look on my face, I ask "what do you mean?"

"Well, whenever we kissed, I kept feeling his hand move up and...y'know...play with his nipples."

Omigoodgollygosh!!!

"You're joking!" I exclaim.

BEST GIRLFRIEND: "I wish I was. He was ALWAYS playing with his own nipples. While we lay in bed. When we'd kiss. In the movies. While he was driving. Like all the time. At first, I was sorta okay with it. It was kinda cute and sexy. But...all the time?!!!"

I looked at her face, waiting for the punchline. She wasn't joking.

Eyes drop down again, unstated question. "No. Never. He never played with mine...if that's what your thinking." I was.

So, BEST GIRLFRIEND's dream man loves his own nipples more than hers. Relationship ended. JERRY dumped by text message. End of story.

What does all of this have to do with the price of oil in Iraq? Absolutely nothing. It is just an insight into the world of modern relationships I guess.

Or not.

(As I write this, I'm gently caressing my right nipple............just kidding)

Epilogue: as it turns out. BEST GIRLFRIEND has a new MR WONDERFUL. She didn't even wait for JERRY's nipples to cool before she jumped on ANDY.

She met him while she was away on the business trip in Middle East. Coincedence? Were JERRY's nipples just a scapegoat for her wandering eye. You decide.

Best Girlfriend's Boy Problems...

I have managed to make new friends at work which is nice. I'm new to the whole East Coast vibe, since I grew up on the West Coast and have been living in Europe for the last six years. So it is difficult at times to relate to the East Coast "thing."

But I have really been making an effort. I am a really good listener, so mostly I just let people talk at me and I nod my head in agreement. This seems to be working. I have now become (although I am MALE and not gay) the BEST GIRLFRIEND of one of my female colleagues. She gossips with me about office stuff, her kid, and her love life. I smile and insert various 'ooo's, 'ohmigosh'es, and 'no way's as appropriate.

To make a long story short, she had been dating this guy I'll call JERRY (so as to keep his actual identity anonymous and save him from any undo embarrassment).

At first, my BEST GIRLFRIEND was totally in love with this wonderful guy JERRY. All I heard was JERRY this and JERRY that. She was all 'he's so special. Omigod! He's even wealthy!' She made sure I understood that his financial status was TOTALLY unimportant of course. Then she was all 'and he is so good looking. Omigoodgollydammit. He's like a total babe. And sexy? Forget about it!' Which I understood to mean that JERRY actually WAS sexy, not that I should 'forget about it' in the literal sense. Also, she wanted to make clear to me that LOOKS don't mean a damn to her. That it was not important what a guy looked like, it was what's in his heart. But 'Omideargodinheaven' is he a hunk. (I am paraphrasing all these comments. I more trying to convey the overall excitement my BEST GIRLFRIEND was feeling. No one actually says 'Omigoodgollydammit' of course.

So anyway, time moves on (two weeks). They start looking at houses together, they plan vacations together (I'm not making this up). It's all happening so fast. 'I think I'm falling in love with JERRY. Omig...(you get the idea).

Meanwhile, my BEST GIRLFRIEND is sent to Israel for a business meeting. Honestly, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. A week goes by. She comes back. Suddenly, no mention of JERRY. All her gossip becomes centred around the office. A few weeks go by. I get to wondering 'what happen with OMIGOD JERRY?' Wasn't he the most wonderful man anyone had ever met? So I asked her about it.

'What happened to JERRY?'

Whoops! I have to go to a meeting...more in an hour.

Pat Robertson's Protein Pancakes

Working for a TV broadcaster in London (U.K.) really gave me a insiders look at the dark underbelly of TV production.

My official title was Executive Producer for Interactive Programming, I was basically responsible for anything interactive related to TV programmes. Sometimes we made technically eleborate, ridiculously expensive interactive TV applications delivered to people's set-top boxes via satellite or cable; the kinds of bombastic, over-the-top stuff you see on BBC (or over here, Discovery Channel). At other times we just made simple, no-nonsense websites. Mostly it was out-of-control mind-numbing 800-lb. gorilla-type interactive albatrosses that cost millions to produce and leave you feeling like you've had all the breath sucked out of you after viewing it. I loved it!

But the best part of what I did is that I got to be a part of the overall production process and got to work with all the "real" TV people. It was a real eye-opener for me. I sat in on editorial meetings, budget meetings, production meetings, I even helped produce and direct bits of the 'linear' production.

Most importantly, I had the chance to peer into the shadowy Orwellian world of TV, inflated egos, self-delusion, drugs and sexual deviance; while still retaining my 'outsider's' status as one of those 'interactive people.' It was great!

That's why it was no surprise to me that Pat Robertson, a consummate TV-type personality, was advocating assasinating the Venezuelan President...on TV!

Now that I am back in the good ol' U.S. of A, I'm still working in TV...sort of. Now I help create video-on-demand applications for huge cable operators. Basically, I make ugly techie stuff look pretty. Part of my job takes place in "The Lab." The Lab is where all the techies show guys like me the interactive TV applications before they go out to the clients. The Lab is filled with racks of whirring machines and dozens TV screens of all shapes and sizes.

One of the engineers thought it would be funny to turn on CBN, Robertson's 24-hour Christian Broadcasting network on several of the monitors in The Lab. It was really distracting.

Then I noticed that Pat was doing a cooking segment and I turned up the volume. He was preparing some of his world-famous "Protein Pancakes." I watched (dumbfounded) as Pat (and his lovely assistant) showed the audience step-by-step how to make his "special" pancakes.

Then I saw it, just for a brief moment in the corner of the TV screen. If you blinked, you might have missed it. A strange, mysterious glass vial filled with some kind of amber liquid. No explanation of this ominous liquid was given. Suddenly the segment was over and Pat shifted to his desk to continue rambling on about world events.

But it set my mind whirling...as Pat leered at me from the screen with a look of smug mischief, could this be a part of his master plan? Could his protein pancakes and the assasination of the Venezuelan President be linked somehow? Just what was that "special ingredient?" Is that the smell of bitter almonds emanating from those pancakes?

A word of warning for the Venezuelan President, if Pat Robertson invites you to a pancake breakfast...DON'T GO! There's a reason Pat isn't eating them himself!!!

Second attempt at this...

So, here I go again. Trying out this 'blogging' thing. I never was very good at keeping a diary, but what the hell, I'll try again. I started a blog a few months ago and then totally lost interest or got busy or something. But since the rest of the world seems to have embraced this technology, how can I NOT embrace it as well?

So here I am, foisting my thoughts upon a disinterested and distracted world. Or will anyone see it at all?

I try my best to keep this up-t0-date. Really I will.